Tuesday, April 08, 2003

Sometimes i feel like just going away, just leaving.. just leacing anything behind... everything and everyone... why? because i feel as though everything is the source of my problems.. i dont want to be dependent on someone and then be let down. thats the worst., to depend soley on one person for comfort.. thats the dumbest mistake i have ever made. Its so hard to do that... well no, its easy to do that, i know many peopel have done that... it is of no help. once you rely on someone and especially in my case, you become dependent on that person for emotional support. I depend on robert for full emotional suppport,i count on him to be there for me whenever i need him, i wrongly assume that by now he can almost read my mind and figure out what i'm thinking, but more so i wrongly hope that he can read my heart and feel what troubles me.. when there are so many things that straggloe me with dread, with despair. I feel as though everything is on me.. the burden is all on me i dont want him to carry that burden for me.. nor do i need him to help me carry iti just need him to acknowledge the fact that i have problems that i am in pain and it cannot be so easily healed, i want him to understand that all i need is for him to be there for me maybe its simply called empathy . thats all i need. i dont feel like my problems need to be solved by him in such a simple "problem solving manner" if i needed to do that i would just consult my family members and hell i'd get alot from them. All i need is for him to understand me to understand that i can do only what i can do, that my problenm is my problem is for me to solve.. i never asked what to do i knew what i could do all i need is a shoulder to cry on someone to put their arms around me and tell me that "everything is gonna be alright" (Rockabye) i don't need a problem solver i dont need a concellor i need the man that i love to show how he loves me in ways that i can feel in ways that don't force me to chose what to do .
I feel like i'm sliping away
falling apart in dismay
i feel my world about to shatter
and all you can say is "whats the matter?"

i know you love me
then why can;t you let me be?
why can't you leave me be...
leave me be

it is my burden to carry
not yours or anyone else's
it is my pain my grief my anguish
not anyone else's

i need you to love me not instruct me
i need you to hold me not scold me
i need you to make me feel...

i have grown numb or so i wish i were....
i need to feel
i need to much in this world



ha.. even my trail of thought is being interrupted by tears. day in and day out i try to hide the reality of my situation from everyone else, the only person i have openly reveled the reality to is robert, sometimes i regret doing so... because i only get a lecture and not what i really need from him. I need too much i feel too fast i have hardened myself to go through this reality. i have hardened myself from this uncertainty i face in my life i have hardened myself and the only touch that can bring me back to life is yours my love.. if you only knew... if you only knew.

Monday, April 07, 2003

Sometimes i feel like just going away, just leaving.. just leacing anything behind... everything and everyone... why? because i feel as though everything is the source of my problems.. i dont want to be dependent on someone and then be let down. thats the worst., to depend soley on one person for comfort.. thats the dumbest mistake i have ever made. Its so hard to do that... well no, its easy to do that, i know many peopel have done that... it is of no help. once you rely on someone and especially in my case, you become dependent on that person for emotional support. I depend on robert for full emotional suppport,i count on him to be there for me whenever i need him, i wrongly assume that by now he can almost read my mind and figure out what i'm thinking, but more so i wrongly hope that he can read my heart and feel what troubles me.. when there are so many things that straggloe me with dread, with despair. I feel as though everything is on me.. the burden is all on me i dont want him to carry that burden for me.. nor do i need him to help me carry iti just need him to acknowledge the fact that i have problems that i am in pain and it cannot be so easily healed, i want him to understand that all i need is for him to be there for me maybe its simply called empathy . thats all i need. i dont feel like my problems need to be solved by him in such a simple "problem solving manner" if i needed to do that i would just consult my family members and hell i'd get alot from them. All i need is for him to understand me to understand that i can do only what i can do, that my problenm is my problem is for me to solve.. i never asked what to do i knew what i could do all i need is a shoulder to cry on someone to put their arms around me and tell me that "everything is gonna be alright" (Rockabye) i don't need a problem solver i dont need a concellor i need the man that i love to show how he loves me in ways that i can feel in ways that don't force me to chose what to do .
I feel like i'm sliping away
falling apart in dismay
i feel my world about to shatter
and all you can say is "whats the matter?"

i know you love me
then why can;t you let me be?
why can't you leave me be...
leave me be

it is my burden to carry
not yours or anyone else's
it is my pain my grief my anguish
not anyone else's

i need you to love me not instruct me
i need you to hold me not scold me
i need you to make me feel...

i have grown numb or so i wish i were....
i need to feel
i need to much in this world



ha.. even my trail of thought is being interrupted by tears. day in and day out i try to hide the reality of my situation from everyone else, the only person i have openly reveled the reality to is robert, sometimes i regret doing so... because i only get a lecture and not what i really need from him. I need too much i feel too fast i have hardened myself to go through this reality. i have hardened myself from this uncertainty i face in my life i have hardened myself and the only touch that can bring me back to life is yours my love.. if you only knew... if you only knew.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

i'd like to quote something form a friend "people can't tell their hearts what to do. no matter what promises we make, when our emotions talk, we are powerless to not listen. we can try to ignore it, or forget it, or choose differently. " derick knew what he was talking about, he knew that things especially emotions aren't within our control... we can't chose who we love,adn we can't chose not to fall out of love. there are things that our emotions tell us that we just usually refuse to listen to... for me i want to love the man i love now, i want to stay in love with him.. but its hard when things just don't go the way you want it to. don't get me wrong i love robert very much.. i really do... and i hope it'll stay that way.

Sunday, February 16, 2003

The feeling of endlesness, the feeling of being forced to live.
how can one live and how can one survive.
how can one go and and feel alive?
i have no reason to give.
i am here now but force to be elsewhere too soon
i am gone now but can't be gone too soon
have i ceased to exist in my own fate?
is this what has brought me to the life i hate?
can i end it? can i not feel?
can i hold the life i want to conceal?
can i grasp the meaning of why and how?
can i hold on to what have i now?
too many questions to be left unanswered
too many too soon
too many too soon

all is gone all is lost.
too late to soon..
be it here be it now!
just answer my question.... HOW? HOW? HOW!?

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

things are definately gonna change. alot of things are going to change.. possibly even the things that i don't want to change. will he still be with me... even if were going to go through a whole lotta bs.. like he saidm, i put myself through this.. it was my choice nad whatever will happen will be my fault entirely.. i just hope he doesn't think that i intentionally what things to be harder for us. thats the last thing that i want to happen, the thing is though its gotta be that way this is something that i have to do. i dunno i guess you can say that if we get through all the crap that we'll definately have to go through it'll just make us stronger as individuals and as a couple.
baby please bear with me.. stay with me on this

Friday, December 13, 2002

i don't know whats happening to me. there are so many things in my head that i want to tell him, so many things that i want to say. lately we ahven't had the opportunity to talk much. it used to be that we talked for about three times a day, maybe 5 hours a day even, now its barely even an housr a day. i miss him so much.. more and more everyday. i just feel so greedy that i feel like this. that i want to talk to him all the time although i know that i can't do that. i know he needs his rest and all that.now i can't even talk to him.. i've called him 4x but no answer everytime. SIGH. i don't know. i just don't know... i feel so far away from him now, ha... i mean further away from him. everyday.... i dunno.. i just feel as though he's slipping away from me.. day by day.. i can't help think that especially because of how we talk less and less. i'm scared.. i'm scared

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

i waited the whole day just to talk to him, and when i finally thought i could he couldn't. i should've known he'd be ehausted. sigh. it just really sucks when you wait so long for something and in the end you don't get it. i wonder if thats how its going to be for him in the long run. if he'll have to wait... and wait and wait and not get what he wants when he wants it. i dunno. oh well, i'll go find someone else to talk to. shesh. i feel so pathetic now. it sucks how i drown myself into one person, when its just that one person i'm looking forward to talking to, to seing, to being with and spending time with... i really need to get a life. shet. sigh. oh well.