here we go

2003-04-08T20:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i feel like just going away, just leaving.. just leacing anything behind... everything and everyone... why? because i feel as though everything is the source of my problems.. i dont want to be dependent on someone and then be let down. thats the worst., to depend soley on one person for comfort.. thats the dumbest mistake i have ever made. Its so hard to do that... well no, its easy to do that, i know many peopel have done that... it is of no help. once you rely on someone and especially in my case, you become dependent on that person for emotional support. I depend on robert for full emotional suppport,i count on him to be there for me whenever i need him, i wrongly assume that by now he can almost read my mind and figure out what i'm thinking, but more so i wrongly hope that he can read my heart and feel what troubles me.. when there are so many things that straggloe me with dread, with despair. I feel as though everything is on me.. the burden is all on me i dont want him to carry that burden for me.. nor do i need him to help me carry iti just need him to acknowledge the fact that i have problems that i am in pain and it cannot be so easily healed, i want him to understand that all i need is for him to be there for me maybe its simply called empathy . thats all i need. i dont feel like my problems need to be solved by him in such a simple "problem solving manner" if i needed to do that i would just consult my family members and hell i'd get alot from them. All i need is for him to understand me to understand that i can do only what i can do, that my problenm is my problem is for me to solve.. i never asked what to do i knew what i could do all i need is a shoulder to cry on someone to put their arms around me and tell me that "everything is gonna be alright" (Rockabye) i don't need a problem solver i dont need a concellor i need the man that i love to show how he loves me in ways that i can feel in ways that don't force me to chose what to do .
I feel like i'm sliping away
falling apart in dismay
i feel my world about to shatter
and all you can say is "whats the matter?"

i know you love me
then why can;t you let me be?
why can't you leave me be...
leave me be

it is my burden to carry
not yours or anyone else's
it is my pain my grief my anguish
not anyone else's

i need you to love me not instruct me
i need you to hold me not scold me
i need you to make me feel...

i have grown numb or so i wish i were....
i need to feel
i need to much in this world

ha.. even my trail of thought is being interrupted by tears. day in and day out i try to hide the reality of my situation from everyone else, the only person i have openly reveled the reality to is robert, sometimes i regret doing so... because i only get a lecture and not what i really need from him. I need too much i feel too fast i have hardened myself to go through this reality. i have hardened myself from this uncertainty i face in my life i have hardened myself and the only touch that can bring me back to life is yours my love.. if you only knew... if you only knew.

2003-04-07T23:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i feel like just going away, just leaving.. just leacing anything behind... everything and everyone... why? because i feel as though everything is the source of my problems.. i dont want to be dependent on someone and then be let down. thats the worst., to depend soley on one person for comfort.. thats the dumbest mistake i have ever made. Its so hard to do that... well no, its easy to do that, i know many peopel have done that... it is of no help. once you rely on someone and especially in my case, you become dependent on that person for emotional support. I depend on robert for full emotional suppport,i count on him to be there for me whenever i need him, i wrongly assume that by now he can almost read my mind and figure out what i'm thinking, but more so i wrongly hope that he can read my heart and feel what troubles me.. when there are so many things that straggloe me with dread, with despair. I feel as though everything is on me.. the burden is all on me i dont want him to carry that burden for me.. nor do i need him to help me carry iti just need him to acknowledge the fact that i have problems that i am in pain and it cannot be so easily healed, i want him to understand that all i need is for him to be there for me maybe its simply called empathy . thats all i need. i dont feel like my problems need to be solved by him in such a simple "problem solving manner" if i needed to do that i would just consult my family members and hell i'd get alot from them. All i need is for him to understand me to understand that i can do only what i can do, that my problenm is my problem is for me to solve.. i never asked what to do i knew what i could do all i need is a shoulder to cry on someone to put their arms around me and tell me that "everything is gonna be alright" (Rockabye) i don't need a problem solver i dont need a concellor i need the man that i love to show how he loves me in ways that i can feel in ways that don't force me to chose what to do .
I feel like i'm sliping away
falling apart in dismay
i feel my world about to shatter
and all you can say is "whats the matter?"

i know you love me
then why can;t you let me be?
why can't you leave me be...
leave me be

it is my burden to carry
not yours or anyone else's
it is my pain my grief my anguish
not anyone else's

i need you to love me not instruct me
i need you to hold me not scold me
i need you to make me feel...

i have grown numb or so i wish i were....
i need to feel
i need to much in this world

ha.. even my trail of thought is being interrupted by tears. day in and day out i try to hide the reality of my situation from everyone else, the only person i have openly reveled the reality to is robert, sometimes i regret doing so... because i only get a lecture and not what i really need from him. I need too much i feel too fast i have hardened myself to go through this reality. i have hardened myself from this uncertainty i face in my life i have hardened myself and the only touch that can bring me back to life is yours my love.. if you only knew... if you only knew.

2003-03-18T07:28:00.000-08:00

i'd like to quote something form a friend "people can't tell their hearts what to do. no matter what promises we make, when our emotions talk, we are powerless to not listen. we can try to ignore it, or forget it, or choose differently. " derick knew what he was talking about, he knew that things especially emotions aren't within our control... we can't chose who we love,adn we can't chose not to fall out of love. there are things that our emotions tell us that we just usually refuse to listen to... for me i want to love the man i love now, i want to stay in love with him.. but its hard when things just don't go the way you want it to. don't get me wrong i love robert very much.. i really do... and i hope it'll stay that way.

2003-02-16T19:31:00.000-08:00

The feeling of endlesness, the feeling of being forced to live.
how can one live and how can one survive.
how can one go and and feel alive?
i have no reason to give.
i am here now but force to be elsewhere too soon
i am gone now but can't be gone too soon
have i ceased to exist in my own fate?
is this what has brought me to the life i hate?
can i end it? can i not feel?
can i hold the life i want to conceal?
can i grasp the meaning of why and how?
can i hold on to what have i now?
too many questions to be left unanswered
too many too soon
too many too soon

all is gone all is lost.
too late to soon..
be it here be it now!
just answer my question.... HOW? HOW? HOW!?

2002-12-18T23:14:00.000-08:00

things are definately gonna change. alot of things are going to change.. possibly even the things that i don't want to change. will he still be with me... even if were going to go through a whole lotta bs.. like he saidm, i put myself through this.. it was my choice nad whatever will happen will be my fault entirely.. i just hope he doesn't think that i intentionally what things to be harder for us. thats the last thing that i want to happen, the thing is though its gotta be that way this is something that i have to do. i dunno i guess you can say that if we get through all the crap that we'll definately have to go through it'll just make us stronger as individuals and as a couple.
baby please bear with me.. stay with me on this

2002-12-13T20:42:00.000-08:00

i don't know whats happening to me. there are so many things in my head that i want to tell him, so many things that i want to say. lately we ahven't had the opportunity to talk much. it used to be that we talked for about three times a day, maybe 5 hours a day even, now its barely even an housr a day. i miss him so much.. more and more everyday. i just feel so greedy that i feel like this. that i want to talk to him all the time although i know that i can't do that. i know he needs his rest and all that.now i can't even talk to him.. i've called him 4x but no answer everytime. SIGH. i don't know. i just don't know... i feel so far away from him now, ha... i mean further away from him. everyday.... i dunno.. i just feel as though he's slipping away from me.. day by day.. i can't help think that especially because of how we talk less and less. i'm scared.. i'm scared

2002-12-11T20:14:00.000-08:00

i waited the whole day just to talk to him, and when i finally thought i could he couldn't. i should've known he'd be ehausted. sigh. it just really sucks when you wait so long for something and in the end you don't get it. i wonder if thats how its going to be for him in the long run. if he'll have to wait... and wait and wait and not get what he wants when he wants it. i dunno. oh well, i'll go find someone else to talk to. shesh. i feel so pathetic now. it sucks how i drown myself into one person, when its just that one person i'm looking forward to talking to, to seing, to being with and spending time with... i really need to get a life. shet. sigh. oh well.

2002-12-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

how can things always turn bad, just when you hope they don't. why do things always hav to go wrong?
sometimes i think its to compensate for all the good things that happen, some kind of way for life to establish equilibrium; giving us an equal amout of happiness and sadness, of joy and pain. i love robert very much and i want to spend the rest of my life with him.. the sooner i can the better, he already is giving me the option of living with him but i'm not ready. i want to be but i'm just not. i dot have any better excucse than that. a huge part of me just wants to be with him all the time, another part of me thinks that its just going to be too much of a good thing once that happens so soon, and i'm afraid of what might go wrong. and i'm just NOT READY! i want to be so bad, i want to be able to just leave all my thoughts and doubts behind with my conscience but i can't this is how i am. he'll just have to wait like i'll have to, but that way things will be twice as sweeter and happier. i just want so much to give robert his happines because what makes him happy makes me happy too. i just need more time, probably to prepare myself. or most probably i think there is always the right time for something.. and now just isn't the time for me to take drastic measures like moving in with my boyfriend or getting married and such.there is a right time, but its not now.. nor is it as soon as we'd hope... but the time will come. we'll just have to be petient and stronger to be able to withstand the pain of not being near each other. Hay. i love you robert.... i really do

2002-11-12T13:19:00.000-08:00

well. how do thigs always seem to look up and then start to crash into you.

things may be ok at first then it just goes downhill from there.

do i love him enough to make sacrifices for him? i guess i do. but i'm just not ready yet i need time.. probably time to grow up and be me.. and net get influenced by him or anyone else around me.

i want so much to be with him. to hold him in my arms and have him hold me..

i want to feel safe with him.. adn i know i always will feel safe in his arms.. but then i still feel that little hint of fear..fear of what? losing all that comfort.. or hurting the one person that brings the mist comfort to me... hehe i'm confusing ya'll eheh. guess i better get my thoughts together and .. sigh i dunno.. miss him more and more

2002-10-30T08:58:00.000-08:00

after these past few days.. my life has been better. i have a reason to be happy again. no more "i hate today" for me.. now all i have are regrets like "why does he have to live so far away?" i miss him already.. although i always get at least 2 chances in the day to talk to him. its funy how i can feel so close to him even though i barely even know him. hes actually the first person i've been really comfortable around.. in all aspects. i know that i love him.. and i know that he loves me.i hope that it stays that way....

my life is better now. i have more of a reason to go on living it as it is. ;)

2002-10-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

everyday has been the same stupid stuff
the same junk

the same bull

everyday is the same.. just full of S@#$ and all

everyday i wake up wondering "why?"

should i just go on and and do the same thing over again? can i even be able to do right things?

i dont know..
so many questions that even i dont want to answer... i just can't go on this way.. wondering if i did something wrong or if i had a chance to make things better.

SIGH

and on and on we go

2002-10-11T15:28:00.000-07:00

Its hard not to feel like everything is slipping away.
Day by day things are like that for me.

I had everything one time in my life.
I had the love of the one person that truly meant everything to me.
I had him.. in my arms… in my mind, and in my heart.
I still have him in my heart and mind… but I can no longer hold him anymore.
I want him, I need him, I truly do.
But need is such a strong word…
Need is a necessity, its being unable to function without…
That’s how I feel right now. Now that I’m here and that he’s there.
Being so far away from the one person that made me feel like I could do anything.
Now I feel like I can do nothing, that I can just rot and it wouldn’t matter.

My senseless blabbering (like this) was always appreciated.
No matter what I had on my mind.. no matter what I said.. he’d listen
He always had his own opinion about things and we could RARELY agree on one thing
I miss him so much.

Your voice, your smile, your touch..
Its all gone
Your love, your care
Its all lost
The ME in your heart, in your mind
No more

What do I regret most?
Not losing you.. for that was my own fault
Not being so far away.. for we had no choice
But loving you so much..coz in that I can never lose you

I know you said that you’d love me and no one else
I know also that you do have another love
………

hay. Even now I can’t manage to get all my thoughts out. I can’t function correctly.
I’d rather have all my emotions hidden for no one to know about. Because no one cares anymore. It would never really matter to anyone what I say. What my thoughts are.
BAH.

2002-10-09T20:46:00.000-07:00

it's been too long.. but now i'm back.

its hard to make the time ehen you have lots of it.. and it sucks when you don't have enough of it..

but are we going with time or going against it?

will we have enough of it or have we had enough?

2002-08-10T07:06:00.000-07:00

if i left you, would you come back to me?
if i held you.. would you feel me?
am i too far away for you to see?
am i too far away?

i never wanted things to fall apart
i never had a chance to save YOUR heart
i couldn't think of ways to clear my mind
so i said goodbye

i never really had a chance to tell you what was and IS true
i never proved to you how much i really loved you.
no matter what you may think or how you see how i act..
i cant prove my love anymore till i have you back...

i regret the days that i had to leave
i regret the time i let you go
i love you with all my heart
but now we're thousands of miles apart

and i cant prove i love you anymore....

i cant prove i love you anymore..

have i told you that i loved you?
do you still believe that still now?
do you know how much i miss you?
i doesn't matter now...

i just hope you have a better chance to live what life you have..
i know i took away from you the life you wanted to have...
but i didnt take what was mine to take ...
im sorry love... i love you..

2002-08-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

Dragon's tears...

can dragons cry? if theycan their tears are probably worth fortunes. dragons are wonderful creatures that i look up to.

eversince i was a litle girl i loved dragons, and the mystery of such a magnificent creature. The ideas about dragons are mostly derived from fantasy novels.. about th time of knights and kings. Of course dragons are always depicted as monstrous creatures that bring about disaster.HA!

i dunno.. i guess its just me but i have a different view about dragons. the way i see it.. dragons are seen in two ways.. 1. Magnificent creatures 2. Beasts..put together they are "magnificent beasts" beasts they are because they conquer, because they seek to dominate.. it was pretty much a slay or be slain thing with them.....

blah! im not in the mood to continue this.... this sucks.. dont mind anything i've posted here for today.. i just have all my thoughts jumbled up into one big blob of BULL... i've had a bad week. i just slept for two whole days.. literally..i just didn't want to think anymore..

hay..bwiset ;(

2002-08-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

Have i grown up yet? is there still somethings i have to learn? Geez.. why does it have to be this way.. why are ther still people out there that care at all? whats the meaning of all the insanity and belief in love? should i be happy now knowing that i love him still.. that he still loves me? or should i be lost in despair because i lost true love?

Bah.. enaough of the rmantic and senseless expressions.. who really cares? no one actually gives a damn its all just a masquerade.. all a hoax.. all Bull... no one gives a damn about anything. the only thing that really matters and is what is inherent to mankind is SELF INTEREST.. thats a fact.. but unfortunately i have none.. no interest of my own..

HAY.

2002-07-29T08:37:00.000-07:00

Things can get worse.. they always do.. just when you really hope for things not to. its all really crappy.

how can some people try so hard and never get any recognition for anything that they've done?? i miss you. you're the one that does know me. why is it so hard to get things straight?

i cant tell how things are going now.. but im sure as hell they are not going the way i planned it to.. ha! me plan? whatever... that never happens.. well.. hmm...

anyway. the thing is in reallity you really cant live it up.. as much as you want to you have to hold back and hold ff on somethings. you really cant tell whether or not you've gone too far unless you've hurt someone.

i never meant to hurt any of you.. i know you all know that.. but there is nothing i can do to change the fact that i already did hurt you .. im sorry.

"i'm sorry" .. its funny how some people cansay it and yet it still never sounds sincere.. i dont know why. maybe when you think that a person isn't sincere about wht they say, its probably becaue you want to hear so much more than what they've told you. its so hard.. so hard to go on thinking that you had a chance.. you did what you can.. and yet its never enough.. RIGHT?

im sorry...

BLAH! there are things you can never be sorry for.. those are things that you normally just cant work.. out... and that F!@#$%* SUCKS!

i cant help it.. i miss you...;.(

2002-07-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

Anime is soooo morbid.. all of it is just .. i dunno.. a mix of sex and violence centered around issues of homosexuality and stuff.... WHAT MORE CAN YOU ASK FOR??? the only thing i hate about anime.. is just how close to reality it really is.. i just finished watching X; the movie.. and man.. that just totally creeped me out.. you can end up killing the ones you love.. but why. is that the only way to save them?

Is it the only way to show someone you love them by just letting them go? GEEEEEEZ.... dont leave me... please? i never knew how stupid i was since all this bull happened.

no regrets in life.. thats how you're supposed to live.. thats how you can stay happy. NO REGRETS.. i guess thats just why i' m depressed.. i have too many regrets in life.. to many things that i wish i didn't do.. too many what ifs.. that i just let go of...

i'll stop whinning now.. hey.. anybody got a life saver? i think i'm drowning in my own self dillusion.. haha! thro2w me a line anytime.. FEEL FREE!!!! ;)

2002-07-24T07:11:00.000-07:00

i love him, yet i hate him... i miss him, yet i never wanna hear from him again ..augh
when will i ever learn!!!???

2002-07-22T09:23:00.000-07:00

****has it been that long? in the past when you lose track of where you are you can manage to find out the next day..
i've been lost for the past few months trying to keep up with the new life style that i have.

lifestyle.. haha. what life style? sheesh.

being here in Houston sucks... I guess you gotta be here long enough to hang around a particular crowd. damn. i wish i had a crowd to hang around with. damn asians biased.. i thnk i'm talking bout myself.

anyway if there is anyone reading this right now.. hmm.. i guess you're really bored. LOL

you must excuse my rude behavior, i've had a tough week. some people are just really apain in the a@#. wrking makes things worse coz there is rarely a day when i dont run into some pricks. haha

just drop me a line if you're offended by whatever i'm blabbering here, or if you just have totally nothing to do.. LOL.. comment violent reactions and all that are welcome.. sock it to me..